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This Kid Is Totally Not Intimidated by Fancy Face-Painted Elephants	January 6, 2013
A young Indian girl gives coins to an elephant during a religious procession as part of the Mahakumbh festival in Allahabad, India, Sunday, Jan. 6, 2013. Millions of Hindu pilgrims are expected to take part in the large religious congregation on the banks of Sangam during the Mahakumbh festival in January 2013, which falls every 12th year. (AP Photo/Rajesh Kumar Singh) More » More..

Apparently Abandoned ‘Maternity Hotel’ in Southern California Would Make a Great American Horror Story Set Piece	January 6, 2013
The alleged maternity hotel looming like Castle Frankenstein over the wary villagers in Chino Hills has been apparently abandoned, and all the grumpy neighbors who protested its defiant existence back in early December were all, "It's about goddamn time." More » More..

Are Interns the New Housewives?	January 6, 2013
Are interns, temps, and freelancers the new housewives? Maybe — or, at least, maybe it's helpful to think of them that way. Perhaps we should analyze the precarious nature of their careers — and the pressure on them to please their employers at any cost — through a feminist lens. More » More..

Liam Neeson Thinks Society Is Far Too Sexy for Its Own Good	January 6, 2013
In an interview with what probably isn't a firebrand, left-wing publication, The Catholic Herald, Liam Neeson, of the strong, stonecutter-handed thespian Neesons, said that he, the star of Kinsey, has been struggling to cope with the "sexualized nature" of society. It's just getting too damn sexy up in society, you know? More » More..

Sheriff Criticized in Steubenville Rape Investigation Tells Reporters That No More Suspects Will Be Charged	January 6, 2013
In the face of increasing national scrutiny (and the dogged pursuit of Anonymous' internet vigilantes), Jefferson County Sheriff Fred Abdalla of Steubenville rape investigation infamy took the stage Saturday and boldly chided booing protesters for jumping to conclusions about the way he handled the investigation. He then told reporters that no more suspects would be charged in the rape case involving members of Steubenville High School's football team More » More..

Prison Guards Apprehend Cat Trying Adorably to Sneak Into a Brazilian Prison with Jailbreak Gear	January 6, 2013
A fleet-footed black-and-white cat was captured back on Dec. 31 by prison guards in Brazil's northeast Alagoas state after it was caught sneaking around with a little parcel of tools strapped to its body, which is both the cutest and cleverest jailbreak plan ever devised. It's also reason enough to take a long, hard look at your cat(s), which is/are probably sleeping on a piece of warm and expensive electronic equipment and wonder how useful it/they would be in a Great Escape situation (the answer is obviously "no" — you cat(s) would buddy up to a new human without a criminal record). More » More..

Delhi To Add 2,508 Female Officers to Police Force	January 6, 2013
Yesterday the Centre in New Delhi moved to ensure that there would be female officers available at every one of the city's 180 police stations—specifically, two female sub-inspectors and 10 constables per station—resulting in the upcoming recruit of an additional 2,508 women to the Delhi police force. All oft the states will be replicating this gender-breakdown figure in law enforcement, which evens out to 33% female cops. More » More..

Saturday Night Social: Many Happy Returns, Diane Keaton	January 6, 2013
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Is The New York Times Concern-Trolling Hillary Clinton?	January 6, 2013
Hillary Clinton, recovering from treatment for a blood clot and released from the hospital Wednesday, is chomping at the bit to get back to the office as she restlessly works from her home in Chappaqua, New York ("I'm trying to be a compliant patient, which I've had to cultivate over the last three and a half weeks," she said Thursday). However, The New York Times is hella concerned for her health. Not to say the rest of us aren't concerned with her health, but an entire piece devoted to hand-wringing over Clinton's "delicate" physical condition as a result of "stress" is a bit much: More » More..

Sloths Are Even More Interesting Than You Thought (Which Was Very)	January 6, 2013
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So Nina, Barbara, Rose and Daphne Are All Sitting on a Couch...	January 6, 2013
Actresses Wendie Malick, Valerie Bertinelli, Betty White, and Jane Leeves attend the TV Land Sponsored breakfast during the 2013 Winter TCA Tour- Day 2 at Langham Hotel on January 5, 2013 in Pasadena, California. (Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images) More » More..

Guy Tricks Idiot Thief Into Bringing his iPhone Back By Posing as OK Cupid Girl	January 6, 2013
This might just be the Grand Guignol of petty thief dumbassery. As is wont to happen, a Brooklyn man named Nadal Nirenberg lost his phone in a cab at 4 AM on New Year's Eve. The next day, Nirinberg saw that whoever grabbed it later was using his OK Cupid profile (linked to his iPhone) to look for dates. So he set up a decoy OKC profile, using a photo of a comely woman from the Internet, and hit up, um, himself for a booty call. More » More..

Emma Stone Discusses 'Writhing Around All Over Ryan Gosling's Bed'	January 6, 2013
Fuckin' Emma Stone. So good at her job and so nice and cute. So funny! So getting to make out with Ryan Gosling that one time. What a dick. JK, I love her. (Dick.) More » More..

101 Facts About 100 Women of the House and Senate	January 6, 2013
Yesterday, a record 101 women were sworn in as members of the US House of Representatives and Senate, which means that now, a mere 80% of federal elected officials are male. Woo! Girl power! It's the end of men! But before we get ahead of ourselves celebrating women's total 20% domination of the legislative branch, let's take a minute to get to know a cocktail party fact about each of the 101 women who will be spending at least the next several weeks pretending to usher in a new era of bipartisanship in Washington. More » More..

Justin Bieber Smoked a Blunt At a Hotel Party The Day After Paparazzo Was Killed Chasing His Car	January 6, 2013
Photographs of Justin Bieber getting totally bazed in a Newport Beach hotel room with some friends have emerged from January 2nd, the day after a photographer named Chris Guerra was killed while tailing Bieber's Ferrari. (Allegedly Guerra was doggedly positive that Bieber had pot in his possession at the time, which the singer's camp flatly denied.) Also present was El B33bo's best friend Lil' Twist, a 19-year-old rapper who was driving the Ferrari at the time. More » More..

Boxer And Kitten Nuzzle Tentatively, Remind Everyone To Embrace Each Others' Differences	January 6, 2013
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Some Good News: Abortions Insured and More Available To Military Rape Victims	January 6, 2013
The military spending bill signed by President Obama at the end of December contained a provision that will change the lives and careers of the estimated several hundred women in the armed forces who become pregnant as the result of rape at the hands of fellow soldiers. (Last year, only 471 were reported.) Since 1988, military insurance have only financed abortions for female soldiers if the woman's life was in danger, which was visibly unjust even before it became clear via episodes like the one at Lackland Air Force Base that there was an epidemic of military rape. Not anymore. More » More..

Dame Helen Mirren and Her Husband Hate That Mushy Romance Crap	January 6, 2013
Three cheers for the indomitable DAME HELEN, from her raunchy jokes about Colin Firth to her dislike of leery, pervy Alfred Hitchcock when she was a young whippersnapper on his casting couch. To paraphrase the great Genevan philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau, she is quite simply boss as fuck. More » More..

Oxygen Ignores Petition Against 'Racist, Exploitative' All My Babies' Mamas	January 6, 2013
Last month we brought your attention to a yet-unaired one-hour special on Oxygen that follows G-Unit rapper and Atlanta native Shawty Lo and the eleven children he fathered with 10 different women. It's calledDownton Abbey All My Babies' Mamas, and the network touts the show's mission statement to "capture the highs and lows of this extreme 'blended family' that is anything but ordinary, while also showing the drama and the passion behind life's most unexpected situations." All of the mothers have reductive labels ("The jealous baby mama," "the wannabe bougie baby mama—" complete with a definition of "bougie"—"the baby mama from hell," et cetera) and contend with Shawty Lo's current (19-year-old) girlfriend. They all seem to have met and dated Shawty Lo as teenagers themselves. More » More..

Take Me Thigher	January 6, 2013
Ryan Bennett of Norwich City controls the ball during the FA Cup with Budweiser third round match between Peterborough United and Norwich City at London Road Stadium on January 5, 2013 in Peterborough, England. (Photo by Jan Kruger/Getty Images) More » More..

It Only Takes A Little Walking to Diminish Your Risk of Stroke By A Hell of a Lot	January 6, 2013
In a study on the causation and prevention of strokes in both men and women, the Murcia Regional Health Authority in Spain examined 33,000 European citizens from 29 to 69 years of age to monitor for a 12-year follow-up period. In women, as it turns out, briskly walking a minimum of 3 hours a week or more can reduce the risk of stroke by 43%. The Center for Disease Control and Prevention recommends 150 minutes of "moderate" aerobics or 75 minutes of "vigorous" aerobics per week for adults. More » More..

All These Girls Season 2 Marketing Partnerships Are Ughhh	January 6, 2013
A recent New York Times article about Girls' on-point (rather than glossy and unrealistic) costume design only throws the following into sharp relief: More » More..

New TV Ads from Kotex Should Help Debunk Some of the More Pernicious Vagina Myths	January 5, 2013
On Monday, Jan. 7, the benevolent corporate entity known as Kimberly-Clark will launch an ad campaign for its U by Kotex brand that unabashedly discusses the sundry myths shrouding ladyparts. "Generation Know", which was devised in part by Ogivly & Mather, will feature 30- and 15-second TV spots in which young women offer testimonials about that time their nanna quietly warned them never to go into the woods while they were menstruating because because bears, catching the whiff of uterine lining, would eat them, or about how it's bullshit that tampons can lost in the body like a cotton-blend Magic School Bus. More » More..

Atlantic Runs Stupid Article About the 'Death of Monogamy,' Then Runs Righteous Takedown of Their Own Stupid Article	January 5, 2013
The latest Atlantic features an article called "A Million First Dates: How online romance is threatening monogamy"—a shallow, moony hagiography of "simpler times" trussed up like trenchant social analysis. Huzzah. Online dating, author Dan Slater argues, is destroying monogamy by giving people (he says people, but he means straight men) too many choices (he says choices, but he means vaginas). The market is flooded! How is a man supposed to concentrate on the vagina that he is supposedly in love with when he could potentially upgrade at any time!? Because, as we all know, certain women are "better" than other women, and men have zero control over their behaviors and impulses and are incapable of significant emotional attachment. (Dudes. Serious question. Why are you not hella offended by your own mythology?) More » More..

The India Gang Rape Victim's Boyfriend Speaks Out	January 5, 2013
The male friend (the AFP calls him her boyfriend) of the 23-year-old student who was raped and beaten by six men on a New Delhi bus — and died two weeks later of brain damage — spoke publicly for the first time to Zee News today. More » More..

Mario Batali Has a Serious Bro Crush on Jake Gyllenhaal	January 5, 2013
Did you know that today is National Spaghetti Day? Neither did my grandmother, and she's been making spaghetti since Giuseppe Garibaldi reunified Italy and promised spaghetti and meatballs for everyone. To celebrate National Spaghetti Day, Mario Batali had actor and amateur cook Jake Gyllenhaal on ABC's The Chew to cook some spaghetti and regale the audience with tales of ribaldry from the cinematheque. It was all very delightful. Mario then asked Jake, bro to bro, what he cooks when he's looking for bounteous compliments from his dinner guests. And, you guys, Jake said, "I think it all depends on what's fresh," which turns out to be best phrase for getting into Mario Batali's chef pants because he immediately grasped Jake Gyllenhaal's sinewy body and asked, "How could you love this dude any more?" More » More..

Shaq Posts His Feelings on Urinal Etiquette; Homophobic Trolls Go Nuts	January 5, 2013
Shaquille O'Neal is clearly the hugest dork ever to play professional sports. He's also been outspoken in his support for LGBT youth and anti-bullying campaigns. So I'm willing to believe he didn't overtly intend any anti-gay sentiments in this Facebook post on Wednesday—a three-panel cartoon in which a dude bypasses a long line of empty urinals to pee in the one right next to the restroom's only other occupant. Shaq's caption: "This is an automatic fight in my book.......LMFAO." More » More..

TGIF: Lessons Learned from a Banana-Opening Toddler	January 5, 2013
I woke up this morning feeling a little cynical. Sure, the weekend was at my fingertips, but it still felt nearly impossible to see over the work day ahead and unwind from the workdays of the past few weeks. Lately (and this is unsual), we've been pulling 10-12 hour shifts at the Good Ship Jezebel and, while I love my job, I've found myself reaching the end of my rope. My face, as far as visible exhaustion goes, has gone from well-rested to noticeably tired (yesterday Dodai actually caught me sleeping at my desk) to that of a woman dying from consumption in a 19th century period piece. (If any of you are directors in need of a character like this in your movie, please consider casting me. You'll save big bucks on your makeup budget.) More » More..

Miley Cyrus Continues the Cuddle Fest with her Adorable New Rescue Puppy	January 5, 2013
In today's Tweet Beat, you wish you were Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian is excited to join in on the mom talk, Solange celebrates Tina (Knowles, but let's imagine it's Turner and Mae Whitman puts a follower in his fucking place. More » More..

The Night Belongs to Charlyne Yi	January 5, 2013
Today is the very hilarious Charlyne Yi's 27th birthday. Watching the clip above reminds me that she's definitely the best part of Knocked Up, right? More » More..

Dinosaurs Probably Shook Their Tail Feathers Like Peacocks When They Were Feeling Sexy	January 5, 2013
Unfortunately for your wild childhood imagination, paleontologists recently decided that all dinosaurs probably had feathers to help insulate them during the holidays much the same way we hairless mammals use hideous sweaters to keep our nipsies from falling off like scabs in cold weather. A new chain of fossil evidence also suggests that Similicaudiptery, an early oviraptor that pranced jauntily about China, Mongolia, and Alberta during the Cretaceous, may have used feathers to attract mates, just like a peacock or turkey, only bigger, faster, and with teeth. Good luck sleeping tonight! More » More..

The New 'Formal Friday' 'Trend' Disgusts Me	January 5, 2013
"Nonconformist" brogrammers are too hip for your square "Casual Fridays," so they've introduced ironic work dress code: Formal Fridays. More » More..

Local LA TV Station Had a Way Worse New Year's Eve Than You Did	January 5, 2013
Looking to comfort yourself after yet another underwhelming-to-terrible New Year's Eve? (Unless, of course, you had a great one in which case, congratulations, you beautiful rare bird you.) Try to have some perspective. Surely, there's a person out there who had a worse New Year's than you. Probably even a whole group of people. Maybe even an entire television station worth of people. Like, for example, KDOC, a local Los Angeles tv station that managed to put on the most disastrous New Year's Eve spectacle of the decade, if not of all time. If you managed to beat that, then you win. You really had the worst New Year's and I am sorry. More » More..

In News That Makes Total Sense, Brooklyn Hipsters Are Growing Up to Become Brooklyn Wine Snobs	January 5, 2013
This fine Friday morning, the Wall Street Journal, a paragon of journalistic excellence and curmudgeonly fiscal conservatism, asked a very important, very incisive question that really cuts right to the core of modern civilization: can there be such a thing as "hipster" wine? The short answer? Fuck yes there is such a thing as hipster wine, if for no reason other than that wine snobs and hipsters were bound at some point to intermingle their cultural snobbishness in order to create a type of person so tremendously insufferable that this person eschews the more conventional — dare we say quotidian — grape for something far more "post-post-modern." More » More..

The Women Democrats of Congress Celebrated Inauguration Day with a Joyous Class Photo	January 5, 2013
On January 3rd, the female democrats of the House gathered on the steps of the Capitol and took a photo to commemorate the 113th Congress, which happens to be the most diverse Congress in U.S. history. Give 'em hell, ladies. More » More..

Naomi Campbell Is on Crutches Following Violent Paris Mugging — Or Is She?	January 5, 2013
Page Six is reporting that Naomi Campbell was mugged in Paris last month. The supermodel, who has recently been spotted on crutches and using a wheelchair, reportedly tore ligaments in her leg during the violent attack. More » More..

Things I Watch on YouTube When I am in a Bad Mood	January 5, 2013
Welcome to The List, a semi-regular feature in which Julie Klausner enumerates pretty much whatever. More » More..

Brigitte Bardot Threatens to Leave France for Vladimir Putin’s Animal Paradise If Circus Elephants Are Euthanized	January 5, 2013
Brigitte Bardot, the actress your dad would be most likely to describe as celebrity crush in a discomforting tone of voice that lets you know, once and for all, that a conversational threshold in your filial relationship has been crossed, has informed France that she will soon be going the way of Gerard Depardieu unless authorities put the brakes on the scheduled euthanasia of two circus elephants dying of tuberculosis at a zoo in Lyon. More » More..

There Is No Such Thing as a 'Pro-Life Feminist'	January 5, 2013
Despite the mission statements of pro-life, conservative political action groups like Feminists for Life and the Susan B. Anthony List and Sarah Palin's repeated use of the F-word, there is actually no such thing as a "pro-life feminist." Sure, you can be a feminist and make a personal decision to never get an abortion. But who the fuck are you to actively work at taking away other women's right to make their own personal decisions about their uteruses? More » More..

Don Johnson’s Graciously Debunks Rumors of His Monster Cock	January 5, 2013
Much the same way that the coal-eyed Ted Danson has been rumored to have a preternaturally enormous penis, there were many whispers that Don Johnson, another 80s symbol for male virility, also boasted quite a large penis. Those rumors about Johnson's mega-dick abounded until a recent heart-to-heart with Rolling Stone, when he admitted that, truth be told, his dick isn't that big. At least, it's not the biggest dick Don Johnson's ever seen, and, if you believe Don Johnson, he's seen a lot of dicks: More » More..

Woman Makes a Gingerbread Winterfell, Sadly Leaves Out Edible Jon Snow	January 5, 2013
I haven't been able to stop singing "yum YUM yum yum YUM yum yum YUM YUM YUM" to the tune of the Game of Thrones theme since I saw the photos of this Winterfell gingerbread house, made by blogger the Liquorsnapper. While I can't imagine the Starks being too keen on sweets (they're far too austere and stoic for anything as decadent as that), I doubt even Eddard himself could say no to a turret made of peanut butter cups. More » More..